LiftOff

Last night I got a phone call… I was lying haphazardly on the sofa with a blanket sort of half-watching the football game, according to what I saw on Facebook it must have been a big game. Whatever. In the midst of this, my phone rings with a number I don’t recognize from out of state. I almost hit ignore but decided I was curious about who was on the other end. “Is this Lindsey?” the voice was kind and sweet so I answered cautiously (I’m always leery of numbers I don’t know)… after a round of somewhat awkward introductions I learned I was talking to a woman named Alana, the wife of one of my co-workers, Evan.  Evan isn’t a co-worker that I know well, we work in different departments and he is very quiet (this may surprise you, but I’ve never in my life been described as any form of “quiet”).  I was about to experience the most inspiring & intriguing 45 minutes of my life as a parent (so far). I guess I’ll back up and explain how this all came about…

Back in September, my co-worker Melissa was attending a U of O football game (I know, I know… but I still like her anyway) and on the shuttle to the game she ran into Evan and his soon-to-be-wife, Alana. On that Monday Melissa came to me and said “I met Evan’s fiancé this weekend, she was lovely, outgoing and had the most unique eyes I’ve ever seen.” I looked at her for a minute, wondering if she was going where I thought she was… “I think she has the same eyes as Olive. I think you should go talk to him.” After a few rounds of figuring out how to bring it up to someone that I’ve barely said ‘Hello’ to, I was off and running… and he was off on his honeymoon for a few weeks. Argh. I checked out all the photos in his cubicle, she was beautiful but she was wearing sunglasses in every photo. That made perfect sense. When he finally came back I fumbled through an uncomfortable conversation with him. I was really scared of offending him, and I think I was just about to until I told him about Olive. I asked if he would ask if his wife was willing to talk to me. I didn’t hear anything from him again. I approached him again a couple weeks ago and left my number with him, really hoping that she would call…

After getting through the start of the conversation, I explained what Olive had and learned that Alana has nearly the same thing. It sounds like there may be a few differences, but in general… they are pretty close. Close counts with a condition this rare. From here, I just asked her to tell me about her life, I could have listened to her for hours upon hours. The entire time I was talking to her, Olive sat on the floor, staring at me without moving or making a sound, it was like she knew something big was happening.  With every word my heart getting lighter, letting go of fears that I didn’t even know I had. Alana told me that her vision is definitely affected but she can drive, she played sports,  she loves to ski & snowboard, graduated from college & has a great career… The kids in school thought it was awesome, it was the first thing Evan noticed about her; she doesn’t like fireworks and can’t see 3D.  Trivial things to most people, but I went to bed and slept soundly, for the first time in exactly 10 months & 19 days.  

Alone

The last couple posts I’ve written were pretty upbeat and feel-good-ish… I don’t expect that this one will turn out that way, unfortunately.

I’m just really struggling within myself lately. Each time I’ve been through one of these surgeries I get myself into a bit of a “funk” from being sidelined and also because constant pain isn’t super easy for me to deal with. I am getting a bit bored of just sitting around, watching TV and putting away laundry. Monday I got myself upstairs and made a new bag, I was really excited to be sewing again but I hurt so bad afterward that I had to take some pretty serious drugs to just get the pain under control, I don’t think the new bag was worth it. Above the pain though, I just feel like I’m sitting back and life is happening all around me. I’m so lonely, sure I have my husband, kids and family members… but I really don’t have any friends nearby. I look at my older sister who has lots and lots of friends, most of them she made at work but I don’t work with many women, and none of them are near my age. There are groups to join for stay-at-home moms, but that isn’t me… Even if I wanted to join them, most meet during working hours. Not to mention that I can hardly be called a mother at this point in time since I’m unable to take care of my own children by myself.

Sean has been taking great care of the kids, but he hasn’t been able to get to do any duck hunting this season. That is really getting to me… I know that most people say “Oh, there is always next year.” Or “It won’t kill him to not get to go hunting, big deal.” But, it is a big deal, it is to him. Duck hunting isn’t just an activity or sport to him, it really is his life. Sean is really concerned that this will be the last year that his dad will be able to hunt with him, and I took that away from him. I can’t help but feel like at some point down the road I’m going to look back and think that this period of my life was the beginning of the end. Although he hasn’t said anything of the sort, I can feel this silent resentment growing towards me. I called everyone I could think of that might be able to help me out over the weekend so that he could get away but everyone was busy. After I hung up from the last call, he didn’t say another word the entire night, he was so disappointed. And I don’t blame him at all, not even a little tiny bit. I just don’t know what to do to make things better, if there is anything at all.

Sorry for the pity party post… but I need to get all this stuff off of my chest. And also, I wouldn’t hate it if someone had a suggestion or two for me.

This

This morning I looked at the calendar and remembered that it’s almost my old college boyfriend’s birthday. We will be camping over the weekend so I decided I’d give him a call… of course I had to google his workplace for a phone number since I didn’t have that anymore. I was actually kind of nervous, I felt like I was in high school again calling a cute boy. Not like I was a happily married mother of 2 calling an old friend. Funny.  Anyway, I think he was pretty surprised to hear from me but it was fun to catch up real quick. (Before anyone gets all “what are you thinking!” on me, my husband knows all about the old boyfriend and even stated: he’s totally cool, I guess I can see why you dated him” It’s all good. Sean is all good.

He is probably on my mind because when we were dating he took me on all kinds of extreme sports adventures; I spent more of our relationship in a cast than out of one (no joke).  After a fateful day of mountain bike racing with him, I had a very badly broken shoulder, full of pins… the same shoulder that needed the repair I just had. 

Anyway, this post isn’t really about him… the whole thing just got me thinking about how different things are now. I’m a grown-up, a real live grown-up. It feels like in the blink of an eye I went from a twin bed, studio apartment, top ramen and all night cram sessions to two homes, mortgages, a (wonderful) husband, career, beautiful girls and driving an SUV.  In a lot of ways I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished, in other ways… I’m a little sad. You work your tail off to get somewhere and then one day suddenly notice “I’m there, this is it.” I know that I won’t have any more babies, I probably won’t ever buy another home… these are good things, but they are still kind of… I don’t know if sad is the right word, maybe “affecting” or “poignant” are better.

If my life ended today, would I look down at it and feel proud of what I accomplished? Yes, definitely. If I could go back and change the way I did certain things? Of course (Insert Darius Rucker Song This right now…). I suppose at this point is when we turn our focus to our children and start working to make sure that they have all those moments that my husband and I have been fortunate enough to have experienced.  That is what it’s all about, isn’t it? (Well, and looking good in your new jeans while you’re doing it.)

This is What I Love

In the spirit of the holidays, I thought I’d share some of the things that are making me happy right now, in no particular order:

*That almost-too-big-for-her-face smile that Baby Olive is rocking these days.

*My job and all my wonderful co-workers.

*Each day when Natalee asks me “Mommy, is it one day closer to Christmas?”

*My iPhone.

*Grandparents who are always happy to give us a break.

*My sister, because she is more a part of me than anyone else on the earth (like it or not!).

*That Sean got out of bed last night to go tell Natalee how much he loved her (when he thought I was asleep).

*Baby Olive sleeping all night long.

*Our Christmas tree, it’s the only thing Natalee asked for this year.

*Music that makes you want to sing along.

*My husband, even with all his quirks, I wouldn’t change a single thing about him.

*Christmas cookies, imperfectly creatively decorated by kids.

*Hot Starbucks on a cold morning.

*Afrin, seriously… how did I survive so many colds without it?

*Grandma Olive, what’s not to love?

*Those moments when you think “Oh my, I’m turning into my mother” and then you smile about it.

*Shelly… ok, and Holly too. She is finally pleasant to have around.

*A warm, comfortable home.

*The burden of too many people to visit on Christmas day.

*Needing smaller clothes, it's a great "problem" to have.

*Heated blankets.

*All my friends and family, especially the ones that leave comments:-)

What are you loving these days?

Here and Now

Hold on to your hat… this is going to get random.

I think this is the first year since I was a little kid that I’m not all “Grinch-y” and I’m actually enjoying the holiday season.  When you ask Natalee what she wants for Christmas she always answers “A tree” so we got it up around the 2^nd of the month and she just loves to look at it.  The houses with lights are fascinating to her; the excitement is palpable and makes it hard to not get excited about the season. 

I just booked a waterfront RV spot for New Year’s.  That will be a lot of fun.  Usually, Sean is always duck hunting over New Year’s, but since I’m still unable to do much, we will spend the holiday together.  I’m excited to get to the coast; we will do some crabbing off the dock… Natalee will get a kick out of that.  Hopefully she can ride her bike and we can fly a kite. These things are exactly why we decided to buy a trailer!  You should join us, it will be great!

Our computer died (again)… isn’t it awesome when that happens?  It is especially great at Christmas when we have tons of extra money (you picked up on the sarcasm, right?).  I just hope I can get the pictures that aren’t backed up yet. Then I hope to use the thing for target practice.

I’m back to work, part time. Working part time totally kicks ass. 8 am to noon? Yes please! I wish I could do this every day and still get paid full time.  What was that? No, not everyone wishes they could do that.  While I was off, my biggest accomplishment was watching The Good Wife from the first episode of season one all the way up to the current one.  It’s my new favorite show. Totally love it.  Do you watch it?  I kind of want her to get back together with Peter all of a sudden…

I’ve lost almost 40 pounds since we started Weight Watchers… I need some new clothes in the worst way; hopefully there are a couple things in Santa’s bag for me to wear.

That’s all for now, folks. I’ll be back sometime soon… promise. Until then, have a wonderful holiday season, stay safe and warm and enjoy the food!

Miss Me?

Wow... I officially made it through the entire month of November without a single post. Aren't you all lucky?

The month started off pretty awesome, I spent 4 days in Las Vegas with one of my best friends, Kelly. It was great to just hang out and catch up, oh and sleep all night long. Kelly was also nice enough to not wake me up in the mornings. It was basically like heaven.

We spent one evening on the Strip just walking, people watching and enjoying the lights and everything that is "Vegas."

Then we went to The Hoover Dam, my nerdy engineer gears were spinning like crazy. It was so crazy impressive. Then I made Kelly walk over the bridge. She wasn't super excited as she says she doesn't even like to drive over it, I asked if we could bungee jump off of it (no, they don't allow that... bummer).

Can you see how teeny tiny the cars are, for perspective? You probably have to zoom in to even see them.



Proof that it is possible to be in two places at once.

So, after a great trip.... it was time to head home. I had one day at work and then my surgery. That totally sucked, but at least Dr. Yummy was part of that plan. The bad news: He definitely saw me naked because I was in a different shirt after surgery then when I went in.

I told him I was taking his picture for my blog, I think he thought I was joking. Next appointment I'll tell him he's an internet sensation.

Oh, but I did get a little crafty. They told me to bring an old t-shirt that could be cut up the back, I would be wearing it for 4 days. So I cut a t-shirt myself, put a snap at the neck and then sewed on ribbons up the back so it could be tied shut. The staff thought it was great, I thought it was awesome that my shirt actually stayed on that long. I guess with enough pain and enough drugs, you worry a little less about that stuff.

After surgery, my mom took my picture. Luckily she took good care of me so I still like her. I've spent the last few weeks recovering slowly, watching The Good Wife on DVD and trying to figure out how to dry my hair with only one hand (I put the hair dryer in the towel holder, works awesome). The bad part is that I can't hold Baby Olive or take care of her at all... the good news is that I also can't do laundry, make dinner or help with the dishes. You win some, you lose some.

Alright, it took me about 2 hours to type this with 1 hand so I'm going to get back to my TV, I think Tori & Dean are waiting for me on my DVR.

Ouch

Happy Halloween! This post isn’t about Halloween at all, but how freaking cute are all the little kids in their costumes? Oh my! My boss brought in his kids, his daughter was a ladybug (always a cute choice) and his son was a gorilla complete with gorilla butt on the costume. I almost died. Another co-worker brought in his little Elmo. Love them all. I can’t wait to get pictures tonight of my girls when we trick-or-treat with my niece and nephew. We are just going to the little shopping center in town, I don’t think Natalee is ready for door-to-door quite yet.

Back to me, that’s what this place is all about after all. So, remember way back when I said all the guys here were doing push-ups and they sucked me in? While we were doing them my shoulder started to hurt but I figured it was because I had been lazy for so long. I took a little break and then got back to it, more hurting. I started seeing my trainer: lots and lots of pushups, more hurting. I finally went to see a doctor, he told me it was likely a partially torn rotator cuff and prescribed physical therapy. It kept getting worse and worse so I finally went back. Dr. Bad ordered an MRI and had me come back. After the MRI he said that I had a bone spur and it needed to be cleaned up with a quick surgical procedure. I’d be back at it in a few weeks. I mentioned it to some people at work, people that I really trust, and they were horrified that I had gone to see Dr. Bad and even more horrified that I’d let him operate on me. I was a little surprised since he had done a great job repairing my ankle a few years back. But, the doubt was in my head so I called up a local shoulder specialist. He is supposed to be very good and I didn’t even think I could get in to see him. I talked to them and sent over my MRI and they said that they would talk with him and get back to me. I got a call just a few hours later; they said “Dr. Wonderful would really like to see you this week.” So I went in, he walked in the door and the first thing I thought was “Wow, he is really good looking!” and then I thought “Wow, he is really young!” The first thing he said is “I am so glad you came in to see me…” it turns out that Dr. Bad was about to do the wrong surgery on me. It really wouldn’t have hurt anything, but it wouldn’t have fixed anything either. At this point, I am in so much pain I am barely functioning day to day. Dr. Wonderful will be repairing a 360 degree torn labrum (the labrum is what holds the shoulder in the socket, as I understand it. Right now I can pull my shoulder out of joint and any given moment) and he will be removing a portion of my collar bone since it is bone on bone and most of the bone is deteriorated. It will be a long hard recovery (and I probably won’t be able to type much for a while, so don’t be offended if I can’t comment on your blogs. I will be reading them!), but I can’t wait to feel better. Surgery is on the 16^th… right after I get back from visiting my friend Kelly in Vegas!

I will be off work for 3 weeks, keep me entertained via email, FB & Twitter, ok? Also, send me movie or TV on DVD recommendations. I think I will sign up for the Blockbuster by Mail thing. I am thinking of renting ‘Big Love’ was that a good show? Also, I will try to take a picture of Dr. Wonderful before my surgery, I hope he doesn’t see me naked or anything…