The last couple posts I’ve written were pretty upbeat and feel-good-ish… I don’t expect that this one will turn out that way, unfortunately.
I’m just really struggling within myself lately. Each time I’ve been through one of these surgeries I get myself into a bit of a “funk” from being sidelined and also because constant pain isn’t super easy for me to deal with. I am getting a bit bored of just sitting around, watching TV and putting away laundry. Monday I got myself upstairs and made a new bag, I was really excited to be sewing again but I hurt so bad afterward that I had to take some pretty serious drugs to just get the pain under control, I don’t think the new bag was worth it. Above the pain though, I just feel like I’m sitting back and life is happening all around me. I’m so lonely, sure I have my husband, kids and family members… but I really don’t have any friends nearby. I look at my older sister who has lots and lots of friends, most of them she made at work but I don’t work with many women, and none of them are near my age. There are groups to join for stay-at-home moms, but that isn’t me… Even if I wanted to join them, most meet during working hours. Not to mention that I can hardly be called a mother at this point in time since I’m unable to take care of my own children by myself.
Sean has been taking great care of the kids, but he hasn’t been able to get to do any duck hunting this season. That is really getting to me… I know that most people say “Oh, there is always next year.” Or “It won’t kill him to not get to go hunting, big deal.” But, it is a big deal, it is to him. Duck hunting isn’t just an activity or sport to him, it really is his life. Sean is really concerned that this will be the last year that his dad will be able to hunt with him, and I took that away from him. I can’t help but feel like at some point down the road I’m going to look back and think that this period of my life was the beginning of the end. Although he hasn’t said anything of the sort, I can feel this silent resentment growing towards me. I called everyone I could think of that might be able to help me out over the weekend so that he could get away but everyone was busy. After I hung up from the last call, he didn’t say another word the entire night, he was so disappointed. And I don’t blame him at all, not even a little tiny bit. I just don’t know what to do to make things better, if there is anything at all.
Sorry for the pity party post… but I need to get all this stuff off of my chest. And also, I wouldn’t hate it if someone had a suggestion or two for me.