Thursday, January 12, 2012

Alone

The last couple posts I’ve written were pretty upbeat and feel-good-ish… I don’t expect that this one will turn out that way, unfortunately.
I’m just really struggling within myself lately. Each time I’ve been through one of these surgeries I get myself into a bit of a “funk” from being sidelined and also because constant pain isn’t super easy for me to deal with. I am getting a bit bored of just sitting around, watching TV and putting away laundry. Monday I got myself upstairs and made a new bag, I was really excited to be sewing again but I hurt so bad afterward that I had to take some pretty serious drugs to just get the pain under control, I don’t think the new bag was worth it. Above the pain though, I just feel like I’m sitting back and life is happening all around me. I’m so lonely, sure I have my husband, kids and family members… but I really don’t have any friends nearby. I look at my older sister who has lots and lots of friends, most of them she made at work but I don’t work with many women, and none of them are near my age. There are groups to join for stay-at-home moms, but that isn’t me… Even if I wanted to join them, most meet during working hours. Not to mention that I can hardly be called a mother at this point in time since I’m unable to take care of my own children by myself.
Sean has been taking great care of the kids, but he hasn’t been able to get to do any duck hunting this season. That is really getting to me… I know that most people say “Oh, there is always next year.” Or “It won’t kill him to not get to go hunting, big deal.” But, it is a big deal, it is to him. Duck hunting isn’t just an activity or sport to him, it really is his life. Sean is really concerned that this will be the last year that his dad will be able to hunt with him, and I took that away from him. I can’t help but feel like at some point down the road I’m going to look back and think that this period of my life was the beginning of the end. Although he hasn’t said anything of the sort, I can feel this silent resentment growing towards me. I called everyone I could think of that might be able to help me out over the weekend so that he could get away but everyone was busy. After I hung up from the last call, he didn’t say another word the entire night, he was so disappointed. And I don’t blame him at all, not even a little tiny bit. I just don’t know what to do to make things better, if there is anything at all.
Sorry for the pity party post… but I need to get all this stuff off of my chest. And also, I wouldn’t hate it if someone had a suggestion or two for me.

4 comments:

Sheila said...

Aww, i'm so sorry girlie! I would give ANYTHING to live close to you right now, so I could help you with your babies :( I understand - i'm sure i would feel that way too, and yes, defeinietly if Cory had to miss deer season. I'm sorry - I'm sending big hugs your way!!! :(

Lyndsay said...

Sorry girlie, been there and it's no fun. Luckily for me, anything Hubs wanted to do was local, do he could get A to bed, get me settled for the night and then make a run for it.
This too shall pass and you'll be back to you normal routine soon. In the meantime, it sucks and I'm sorry.
xo

Amie said...

1) Not being able to physically take care of your kids doesn't make you any less of a mom. You're still there to listen to them and teach them and comfort them and kiss their booboos and promise them that there are no monsters under their beds and shower them with kisses and love and affection and all the good things they need. You are a FANTASTIC mom. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
2) Meeting friends is really hard. I wish I had any advice but everything I might suggest sounds stupid and cliched (join a book club! ugh). I hope you have some better luck with it in the future. I know it'll get better as Natalee gets older and starts taking dance class or playing soccer or whatever, but that's still a ways off. xoxo.
3) How long does duck season last? If you fly me out I'll totally watch your kids for a weekend.
4) You're totally entitled to a pity party. Don't apologize.
5) It will get better. Promise.

Carly said...

I SO know the feeling of loneliness. I'm sorry you're going through this; it's certainly not easy. Praying for clarity and for a good friend to present herself soon. I swear there should be a "dating" site for moms to connect. It's so hard for those of us who have jobs.