Friday, March 30, 2012

Hanging On

I try not to do this too much, here or in real life… but I need to whine a little.
I may not have reached my tipping point, but I’m definitely teetering on the edge, holding my breath and waiting to fall.
It has been just over 4 months since my shoulder surgery, and I am so much worse than before surgery. I wince in pain every time I pick Olive up, I’m always terrified of Natalee climbing into my lap, I can’t turn my car to the right (without pain), I can hardly sleep, I’ve quit seeing my trainer, my shoulder dislocates constantly… things are hard. Up until a couple weeks ago I had been straight lying to my doctor about it, I didn’t want to be the patient that “failed”. Even with bold faced lies he said he had some serious concerns about my recovery… I got a stern talking to from my physical therapist so I went back to the doctor and laid it all out for him. There were a lot of tears from me but, thankfully, not much scolding from him.
Yesterday I had another MRI done. I don’t know the results, but I know that laying first with my arm straight at my side and then having to put it over my head (and them basically “tying” it there), was excruciating. I laid in the MRI with tears running down my face.
I got home and had to pull it together, but I just can’t shake my anxiety. If the scan is clear: Will I be this miserable for the rest of my life? If it’s not: Can I go through with another awful surgery? Regardless, I’m out of sick time and I have already given up over 1/3 of Olive’s life to this recovery. How much am I expected to give, and what can I honestly anticipate in return? This isn’t my first major surgery ‘go-round’ if you will. This was my 5th joint surgery, including two ankle reconstructions… and I recovered from those pretty flawlessly. My mom had a total knee replacement and was up and at ‘em much quicker than I’m coming around.
I am literally making myself sick with worry. I am anxious to hear, but don’t want to know at the same time. Luckily, my mom is in town this weekend and my step-dad sent her with some “mad money” to take me shopping. We will be headed to Fabric Depot to shop my worries away; I just hope I can still operate a sewing machine after all this is done.
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4 comments:

Sheila said...

Aww, I'm so sorry girl! I hate to hear this! Just a thought - but maybe you should also talk to your regular dr about putting you on some anxiety meds for a little while! I'm thinking of you - and hoping this can be fixed SOON and you feeling back to normal! :(
Big hugs to you!

Cathy said...

Oh Lindsey...I can see why you are anxious~ Pain is not a good thing to have to deal with. I am praying for you and for your health and anxiety, and that you'll heal very soon~! God bless you friend~ ♥♥♥

Carly said...

Boo I'm so sorry you're going through this! You've had a REALLY rough year so cut yourself some slack. Okay? Okay. You are wonderful and I am praying. :)

Lyndsay said...

You WON'T be like this forever because your shoulder is NOT okay! Dr. Wonderful needs to fix it. It sucks, but it happens. And he'll fix it and it will be fine and you will have aaaaaalllllllll of the rest of Olive's life to not worry about it.

(when do you get the results?)