I try not to do this too much, here or in real life… but I need to whine a little.
I may not have reached my tipping point, but I’m definitely teetering on the edge, holding my breath and waiting to fall.
It has been just over 4 months since my shoulder surgery, and I am so much worse than before surgery. I wince in pain every time I pick Olive up, I’m always terrified of Natalee climbing into my lap, I can’t turn my car to the right (without pain), I can hardly sleep, I’ve quit seeing my trainer, my shoulder dislocates constantly… things are hard. Up until a couple weeks ago I had been straight lying to my doctor about it, I didn’t want to be the patient that “failed”. Even with bold faced lies he said he had some serious concerns about my recovery… I got a stern talking to from my physical therapist so I went back to the doctor and laid it all out for him. There were a lot of tears from me but, thankfully, not much scolding from him.
Yesterday I had another MRI done. I don’t know the results, but I know that laying first with my arm straight at my side and then having to put it over my head (and them basically “tying” it there), was excruciating. I laid in the MRI with tears running down my face.
I got home and had to pull it together, but I just can’t shake my anxiety. If the scan is clear: Will I be this miserable for the rest of my life? If it’s not: Can I go through with another awful surgery? Regardless, I’m out of sick time and I have already given up over 1/3 of Olive’s life to this recovery. How much am I expected to give, and what can I honestly anticipate in return? This isn’t my first major surgery ‘go-round’ if you will. This was my 5th joint surgery, including two ankle reconstructions… and I recovered from those pretty flawlessly. My mom had a total knee replacement and was up and at ‘em much quicker than I’m coming around.
I am literally making myself sick with worry. I am anxious to hear, but don’t want to know at the same time. Luckily, my mom is in town this weekend and my step-dad sent her with some “mad money” to take me shopping. We will be headed to Fabric Depot to shop my worries away; I just hope I can still operate a sewing machine after all this is done.
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